I am officially declaring my self-nomination for the “Best Blog Title Evar” award. It descends upon YOU, gentle reader, to support my drive towards victory. Expect some kind of campaign/propaganda posters in the very near future; since I myself haven’t actually installed Photoshop yet, I’m now looking pointedly at Gerry here. I fully expect something along the lines of this, except maybe replace the word “Hope” with the phrase “Comma Bitches”… and I feel fully justified in being this unreasonably demanding of Gerry within a satirical context. I plan on holding my Presidential Campaign press conferences in a similar manner, as well: “Mr. Coincon, Mr. Coincon, Major Garrett, Fox News; how do you respond to the accusations that (except for ego, apparently) you’re nowhere NEAR qualified to be Leader Of The Free World? And I heard you’re French, too!” “Ah, Mr. Garrett, you raise some excellent points, and as always I admire your candor. In response, I feel that the only effective way to affect effective effects towards cleaning out the corruption-ridden cesspool we call a government is for someone with both thorough NON-experience in government and philosophical/intellectual integrity to man the helm. Start setting a positive course, as it were. The entire reason I hold these press conferences on a DAILY god damn basis is NOT to advance my own agenda, as is the norm for politicians (which, as per your own aforementioned observation, I am definitively NOT)… I subject myself to the rapacious attentions of the Media this frequently so that the American People may instead ask of me whatever questions they desire so that they might evaluate my philosophical/intellectual integrity. I want the American People to get to know ME and have confidence in ME as a person instead of the letter in parentheses to the right of my name… or the lack thereof, in my case. That being said, Mr. Fuckface, I have a small request for YOU… first, take a big step back… and literally FUCK YOUR OWN FACE! I don’t know what kind of pan-pacific bullshit power play you’re trying to pull here, but Asia, Jack, is my territory. So whatever you’re thinking, you’d better think again! Otherwise I’m gonna have to head down there and I will rain down a Godly fucking firestorm upon you! You’re gonna have to call the fucking United Nations and get a fucking binding resolution to keep me from fucking destroying you. I’m talking about scorched earth, motherfucker! I will massacre you! I WILL FUCK YOU UP!”
Posts Tagged ‘Auto Industry’
The biggest problem I have with the whole Auto Industry Bailout thing is one of intent: when the American Big 3 automakers (GM, Ford and Chrysler) came to the government in search of aid, their initial line of reasoning was NOT “Look, we understand we’ve been jacking off for the past decade and are now reaping the consequences of our admittedly American business tactics. For some strange reason, the Japanese pursued higher efficiency, better technology, and overall operational streamlining INSTEAD of our brilliant, bludgeon-the-consumer-over-the-head-with-advertising-while-our-vehicle-standards-plummet approach, and that has lead – QUITE unfairly, I might add – to the Japanese earning profits that cannot be adequately mathematically described as a percentage of our own because OUR profits are a fucking NEGATIVE NUMBER. Therefore, we are in dire god damn need of a huge fuck-off loan or at LEAST a nice governmental stock purchase like the Financial Industry got. And exactly WHOSE dick got sucked to seal THAT deal?” No no NO, the overture of choice was “Hey, give us tons of relatively oversight free cash or we swear to whatever god you care to name that we’ll go right into bankruptcy and take millions of American jobs with us.”
This was sent to me this morning by my beloved sister-in-law… I plan on doing a bigger piece on this subject later/when I have time, so for now, here’s what was sent to me. You can see how it might give me ideas; as a brief preview: the entire point of Capitalism was that companies that saw successes or were useful to the American people (and thus saw successes) and could do either of these things WITHOUT the need for government intervention (aka Socialism) were able to survive and prosper in the general marketplace. Those that could NOT either changed the way they did business OR were doomed to failure and dissolution. Holding tens of thousands of American jobs hostage does not mean we should give the hostage taker what he wants; we should shoot his ass and free up his resources so that other, more honest businesses may flourish.
That’s right: I’m back, bitches.