Every Saturday, one of us (probably just me at first, but maybe I can convince the others to join in sooner, riiiight?) will post a blog post from our past in order to let you really get to know us… and laugh at us. Seeing how winter is right around the corner, I have the perfect post for you. Without further ado, I present, The Boring Olympics.
That’s right. I said it. The Olympics are hella boring. The same thing every four years. Well, My I3D professor and a few of us have come up with ideas to make the Olympics much more entertaining. If you don’t like these ideas… well too freaking bad. They are awesome, as are we. We are great. Now, on with the suggestions.
First off, the luge. They should have 4 starting points that merge about 1/5th the way down. As if that wasn’t enough, hockey sticks should be given to the luggers to fend off the others when they all meet. Said sticks could be fastened to the side of the luge and easily detachable to beat the living shit out of their competitors. Also, on the way to the finish line, the competitors must collect as many flags as possible.
Let’s jump ahead a little bit to the closing ceremonies. This one is more interesting anyway. First they have the main reception for the winners. Gold is happy, Silver is excited, and Bronze… well bronze sucks anyway and he’s disappointed in his inability to preform. He probably feels like an impotent man on valentines day or quite possibly his anniversary. Oh hell, how he feels anytime his wife is aroused and is disappointed by this limply hanging dick. Anyway, you get the point, bronze is a limp wiener (get it? wiener, winner? hahaha) *ahem* So anyway, that’s going on and everyone who’s there is yawning. Meanwhile, the real show is across the street in a roman era colosseum. The losers are brought into the center of the colosseum and everyone is cheering. They think it’s because, even though they lost, they gave it their best. But this is the cool, fun, and hip Olympics Obviously, they are cheering because the gates holding back the lions were just opened. Well, it would be boring to just watch them run away in fear right? Of course. So to toy with their emotions, the lions are wearing gold medals. It’s so much more interesting to see them die trying to get what they’ve worked their whole life for isn’t it? Did I mention that they were thrown a losers celebration before hand where they get drunk off their ass?
You only get one chance to be a winner in THESE Olympics. No trying again in four years. As Yoda would say, “Do or do not. There is no try.”
Now, back to the events. Next we’ll take a look at curling. Let’s watch two guys brush a path for a disk to travel over ice to land it in a radial target. Yawn yawn…. You know what that disk looks like it should be? Give up? Let’s try a time bomb! Give them seven seconds to get it in the target area or it explodes. It adds extra excitement to the game. Not only do they have to be careful to not make it slide too far, but they ALSO had to get it to the designated area. Or how about this. Make it a proximity bomb. Let’s go over how a prox bomb works. It’s dropped in from the air usually, arms are spread to slow it’s decent. When it lands, the fuse is armed. It sets up a magnetic field. The field detects the amount of metallic objects in the area. The counter for the objects can go up an infinite amount. The problem is when the count drops. When it does, BOOM. The idea is when a convoy drives through the radius, the front passes through ok. As the ones behind it come in, the counter on the bomb goes up. And the end enters though, since nothing is following it, the metal count drops and the ass end of the convoy is no more. Back on to explaining how it helps curling be more interesting. As the bomb gets closer, there is more metal objects the are moved into it’s field. the maximum amount is when it reaches the target area. However, if it moved beyond that area, BOOM! That’s what makes it interesting because you also have 7 seconds to make it to the area or BOOM as well. A most awesome idea.
Well do one more for the winter Olympics. Ski jumping. Quite possibly the most boring event of ALL TIME. Well, how about this. We add a flaming hoop just as they jump off the ramp. Sure you can swerve to avoid it, but then you’ll fall into the conveniently place canyon between the jump and the landing area. And just to FURTHER make things interesting, we add ANOTHER hoop just before the landing. Guaranteed excitement! It would be like watching car racing, only better. People only watch NASCAR and the like for the crashing at the beginning, then go home and probably get fat or BBQ or if you’re a loner, masturbate to pictures of the crashes you download from the internet when you get home. Ok ok, I kid. They all skip the BBQ and go masturbate to said pictures. Really the only way to tolerate NASCAR is to have a fetish for it. It’s understandable I guess. Everyone has a fetish. Some foot, some Asian, some German shiza videos…. What am I kidding, those NASCAR fans are FUCKING FREAKS man! masturbating to NASCAR crashes? Ew nasty you sick bastard. Now I’m too disturbed to come up with more to the ski jump.
Let’s stop with winter and go to the summer Olympics. Let’s start with something truly boring. The marathon. Everyone is gathered near an obelisk. They’re just standing around waiting for the race to start. Oh, I’m forgetting something…. what was it… hmm… oh well, probably wasn’t important anyway. So the gun is fired and the runners begin. The distance to run is three miles. A minor trek for an experienced marathon runner, be assured. Oh wait, I remember now what was previously forgotten. Remember the obelisk at the starting point? Good, cause it’s got a nuke in it. It’s set to go off 5 minutes after the start of the race. You may say, but doesn’t a nuke have a blast radius of about 500 miles? Well, at the end of the race are bomb shelters. But how could someone ever run 3 miles in 5 minutes? Well, knowing that your about to be fucking obliterated on the atomic level might encourage you to run faster maybe. Maybe…
finally, there’s the diathalon. Well, forget about it. It’s been thrown out. It’s replacement? The Decapithon. But I grow weary now. We’ll get to that another time as this is getting long as it is. Hopefully you’ve enjoyed our ideas to make the Olympics better for all. Ok, well, maybe just better for the viewers, but dammit all, we’re the important ones here right? That’s what I thought.
