YEAH! PRESIDENT, BITCHES!
No, seriously. I do. Not because I think I’d do a kickass job or anything, I just wanna be read-on to the “President’s-Eyes-Only” programs and steal all the files and fax ‘em all to CNN for a pittance. Plus it’d be an awesome way to make people learn to pronounce my last name in a real goddamned hurry. Get it wrong and you’ll have the NSA all up in your Kool-Ade.
No no no, seriously this time. I have no practical political experience whatsoever, so I’d be the perfect candidate. Not only would I run a campaign where I accepted no donations or funding whatsoever, but I would make a point of telling people exactly what reasoning I used to reach any particular conclusion on any given topic so everyone knows precisely why I don’t agree with their selfish, bullshit positions. Ultimately, my approach to problems is one of broadening my own understanding of the subject matter to the point that I can encompass as many differing viewpoints and possible within my own, considered perspective. Such a (fucking novel) philosophy will allow me to take the side of Reason, in lieu of one of those other things… you know, the things real politicians use… oh yeah, Completely Invalid, Arbitrary, Unoriginal, And Unsupported Platforms.
I will be immensely popular. Right up to the day I either 1) am miraculously elected and assassinated in one day; or 2) fail to be elected by the largest margin in human history, to include that time when all those Christian missionaries in cannibal land said “Let’s vote on the motion” to the Don’t Devour All The Asshole Missionaries Bill.
The funny part is that I harbor no real interest in actually being President. I simply don’t trust anyone else to do the job right. And to show you what I’m talking about, I’ll try to post some line-of-reasoning type shit for various subjects on this site when I can remember to do so. You, gentle reader, can help cattle-prod the process along by suggesting things for me to do some dissertations on. All (Chad, Phil, Gerry, Helen, Winnie, and Sarah when I point out something particularly funny that Chad wrote) six of you. With your support, and a little work on my part, I soon hope to gain enough media attention to earn a guest spot on The Colbert Report (I’d prefer The Daily Show, but the other’d probably work better from an are-they-joking-or-not?-satirical perspective).
So let the inevitable commenting begin!
P.S. – Yes, I stole Gerry’s semi-consistent practice of using links to Wikipedia to indicate what I ACTUALLY mean when I use certain Carefully Chosen Words. I contend that mine are funnier.
Please to be thanking you to just copy and paste the code for you image from this post from now on. I haven’t found a wordpress plugin that will auto put pics yet.
Also, I don’t always use wikipedia. Sometime my words link to other things. And even have a hidden meaning in the mouse over.
ALL READERS WILL NOTE THE OBVIOUS AMERICAN FLAG BEHIND ME IN MY PICTURE. THERE, WE’VE ESTABLISHED I’M A PATRIOTIC GUY. FUCK LAPEL PINS. ON A RELATED NOTE: BWAHAHAHAHA.
Ok, numerous people (me) have sent in lots of questions (made up by me) wanting to know why I chose the year 2020 to make my big (small; so says me) Presidential bid. I mean, damn, I don’t even know who I’ll be running against (after I get done with that Soldier of Fortune mag I picked up the other day; only me)! The answer is simple: the Constitution says (I THINK it was the Constitution… I don’t know where the hell else they’d put this rule, but hey) that any citizen wishing to run for President must be at least 35 years old. Setting aside for the moment my feelings that ALL age limits in our society are arbitrary, lazy, and, let’s face it, totally full of shit, I am at present only 25 years of age and 2020 will be the first Presidential election year when I shall meet that particular prerequisite. I heard somewhere that you also have float a keg while doing a kegstand, but not only am I pretty sure that’s physically impossible but I also don’t drink frequently by any stretch of the imagination… luckily, I’ve got some time.
My question is, do you have a Vice Presidential candidate yet? I would like to throw my name in the hat. I can get the Jewish vote, the humor vote, manage finances and be just as brutally honest. Also, I have a hookup on a Presidential Party–um–Campaign Van for us to travel in.
Haha, and I can try help you get the Asian votes.
WOohoo 2020 here we come!!!
And yeah, 35 years, sad isn’t it???
I’m initially shooting for more of a Get Sean Elected Collegium than an actual running mate… I’ll tell you what, the day of my inauguration I’ll hold a Running Mate contest for all Collegium members… the style will be of MY choosing, and I choose… THE THUNDERDOME: TWO MINORITIES ENTER… ONE RUNNING MATE LEAVES!
FIGHT! FIGHT FOR MY AMUSEMENT!