Today I present for your consideration: Black Friday. First of all, why that name? I understand we don’t really have a national “Sorry For Fucking You Over, Black People Day”, but I don’t think “Black Friday” quite suffices, so that can’t be it. Come to think of it, Thanksgiving really doesn’t say “Sorry For Fucking You Over, Native American People” either, so maybe I’m seeing a connection where there is none.
Perhaps a more appropriate day name would be “Manifest Destiny Day”, but we Americans are extremely adept at couching potentially unpopular topics in devastatingly misleading language (see: The Patriot Act). It is highly amusing to me that we make an entire national holiday out of the fact that we had ONE nice meal with these guys before we flogged them to near extinction with rolled up smallpox blankets. You don’t see “National Cameraderie Day” celebrating the roughly 10 minute gap between meeting Africans for the first time and slapping them in leg irons during which we WEREN’T actually slapping them in leg irons.
But I digress. This post is about Black Friday, that magical day immediately following Thanksgiving when all the malls have ridiculous sales to kick off the Christmas season. What better way to say “Now that we’ve gotten THAT bullshit out of the way, time to start BUYING SHIT!” We, as Americans, need EVERY SECOND POSSIBLE to celebrate our capitalist souls. Our primary method of celebration is by purchasing stupid shit for people that don’t need it in the hopes of receiving, in return, other stupid shit that we not only don’t need but don’t even want. But we don’t say that, we bare our teeth and grin out something like “Oh, wow, a nutcracker shaped like Hillary Clinton’s thighs! I’m allergic to nuts, but it’s ok, because this thing will STILL be humorous and heartwarming even after the elections are over! What a considerate friend you are!” That drivel is even EASIER to say if the gift YOU got THEM is even worse than the gift THEY got YOU! Santa Claus would be rolling in his grave if he wasn’t laughing so hard over having stolen the holiday from Jesus. The joke’s on him, though: Jesus stole it from the winter solstice! Fuck you, pagans!
You may have noticed I’m not a big holiday person, especially when it comes to the quasireligious ones. As Dorfl the golem once said, “Either all days are holy, or none are.” In regards to Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, Valentine’s Day, New Year’s Eve, St. Patrick’s Day, Presidents’ Day, and to a lesser extent, Cinco de Mayo, I really don’t think Americans need any more excuse to indulge their buying habit. I think the fact that stores are usually open seven days a week is evidence enough to suggest that we celebrate Capitalism EVERY damn day and the other holidays are just frivolous. The sooner these domesticated fucking sheeple wake up to the fact that our entire society revolves around the nearest shopping mall, the better off we’ll all be. And Happy Holidays!
Omnium Bonum Est
